My 2014 ended without justifying how it started.
Here I am in bed, listening to the cheers of my family and the firecrackers outside. I would happily report that at this moment, my grumpy, moody self has taken over what could have been a festive night that is New Year’s.
I grew older believing that New Year is the best opportunity to be starting something. They say it also signals a fresh start, as you literally turn over a new leaf, leaping to the next calendar year. I was also told that whatever you are doing on New Year’s eve will be what you will be doing for the rest of the year.
And of course, I was a fanatic of all these belief, maybe except tonight. I would reserve my rare selflessness for church, but for now, let me tell you how my 2014 went.
For most part, I was happy– considering I have all the basic physical and non-physical needs of a functioning human being. The usual: supportive family, awesome friends, great sports, school, and a self-determining career. I achieved so much for 2014– like running a half-marathon ( at 2:34), losing weight, and doing better in school.
However, a broken relationship has got me spending a portion of this year trying so much to move on.
I know I’m not the only one who’s got her heart broken by a loving relationship that has ended, and I would say that I’m spared by most of the things associated by this tragedy– but when it happens, it happens, and how you deal with pain, is unlike any other story.
This year, some of my closest friends tried to console me with all the comforting words you probably have heard before. I tried so much to distract myself and draw focus on things that could make me happy instead of reeling in my pain. But as expected, it was a real struggle. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and there were periods when I questioned was I ever even loved?
But along the way I slowly found answers, though to be honest, I wasn’t sure what the question was. I did not plague the ‘why’s as much as I wasn’t plagued by it. But slowly, some things, start to make sense.
I was left, by someone who’s plans I built on with, because I am supposed to make new plans. Could be better or worse, but I believe the disintegration is not without justice.
I am meant to meet new people along the way– those, who at my lowest point, were thankful that they have me when I can’t even ascertain how myself is doing.
It suggests that I value myself more. When you love someone, too much, you tend to let yourself go. Not that it’s a bad thing, but sometimes, people are not willing to catch you on your fall. Or maybe, you’re just too much for them to handle– and then you’d realize that at that time, maybe you are better off.
At this New Year, I have not found yet all the answers that would fit in my mind like a puzzle, because I know that there are pieces that I chose to give away. There will always be parts of me that I will never get back, and maybe I will never be whole again.
At this point, I do not aim to be the same self that I was, a year back, when I had that someone to look forward to on New Year’s eve– for a call– or for a mushy, romantic message. I was told that when things pass, the only thing we can do is to just let them really pass away– like 2014, like the memories I built, like the things that happened with or without me knowing.
But I know that something beautiful is meant to unfold right out of this shelf where I stowed away myself in.
I am hopeful, for most part.
Happy New Year!